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When Your Biggest Fear Comes to Pass...

My greatest fear has always been “losing” a child, and anybody that I am close to knows this. I spoke about it often, and the fear was so nagging that it ate away at my soul and wouldn’t let my mind rest. In fact, when my children were infants I frequently had to talk myself out of guarding my heart, because my fear was SO great. It took a sort of power over my life that, at times, made it so I did not want to get too emotionally attached to my children for fear that if something happened to one of them, that I would not be able to go on. I was constantly telling people, “If something happens and I should lose one of my children, God had better take me too,” and in a sense He did. He took away the biggest part of me, the one thing that I had let consume my life, my actions, and my heart; he took away my fear. What do you have to fear when your biggest fear has come to pass?

I had been so consumed with fear hat I had lost sight of God’s promises. Somewhere along that road, I had obviously stopped trusting in God, his plan, His purpose, His promises. I did this unconsciously, of course, as I had been working hard on trusting God in all other aspects of my life. Looking back on it now, my children are one of my greatest things in life, I know that and if I wasn’t trusting Him with them, was I really fully trusting Him? The answer is no.

The Bible tells us over and over again, “Do not worry,” “Do not fear.” I was not listening, I was not trusting, and I spent my life worrying about my kids, my finances, and my career. Because I was worrying, I was not putting my trust in God. How freeing it is, to me, to realize this. I now live my life without worry. I am God’s child. He loves me even more than I love my own children. He is not going to do anything to harm me. He is my protector, my Savior, my Jesus, my Father. My children are His children. He did not take Justin away from me to hurt me, even though, yes, it hurt. He received him into Heaven with a bigger plan for him, for me, and for my other children.

I can now live free because of the lessons I have learned about life through Justin’s death. I am more aware of the need we have as humans to have God in our lives, and to let Him have complete control. This is a message I want to instill in my children. All of these lessons had to be taught to me, just as a parent has to teach a child to ride a bike. You cannot stand there and hold onto the handles or keep the training wheels on, and expect them to take them off themselves and start riding a two-wheel bike, on their own. As a parent, you have to let go, take off the training wheels, and watch them fall. Does this hurt as a parent? Oh yes, no one wants to see their child crying, in pain, or discouraged, but what do you do? You stand back, you kiss their owies, pick up their bike, dust off their pants, and encourage them to try again; they will get it. The child gets back on the bike because he trusts what his parents said to him. If the child’s parents were to have said to the child, “Oh no, let’s put the training wheels back on, you are not ready for this, if you get back on you will fall off again and hurt yourself,” that child would trust what his parents said and not learn how to ride the bike, at least not then.

The feeling a child gets the first time he takes off on that bike, by himself, is how I feel now. I am free; I have nothing to worry about, because I am not in control. What is worrying going to do for me? It’s going to take away my joy daily, it is going to hinder the time I have here on this side of Heaven because I am not able to fully enjoy my life, if all I do is worry.

Contact me at: maswick01@hotmail.com

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		Justin's Jesus By: Mary Swick